I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Guy who likes music
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*