Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
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$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?