Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird