5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
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Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.