Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
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The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
And bowling should be called pinball
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Stick it to the man
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program