I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
You Might Also Like
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.