I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this