“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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Spider-cat: No One Home
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.