me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
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Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
mechanics be like
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.