Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
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Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that