I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I beg your pardon?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice