*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*