You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
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After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
When can I start eating bats again.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends