If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Note to self: always read the final line
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…