cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
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Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit