CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
You Might Also Like
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Beware of the “party goblin”…
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit