Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Your honor these allegations are
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”