Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
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Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.