The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
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my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.