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I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car