If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
(Gaming support cat.)
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler