Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
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Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Best table by far
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.