You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
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Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Was it something I said?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.