Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
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[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*