*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
won’t smith
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
The honesty is refreshing
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.