Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
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you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
WWE is French for “yes”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”