*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
felt that
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.