cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
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Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
S M O L
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse