If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
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I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.