5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.