CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
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Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..