Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Well well well…
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body