What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”