My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me