I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
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Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.