Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
You Might Also Like
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
very niche meme I made
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Make your daily standup meeting shorter