Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
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What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.