Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
You Might Also Like
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…