Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol