Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
You Might Also Like
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
lmao
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?