banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
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when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Monica just destroyed the internet
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year