Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Breaking news:
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]