You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
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I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’