Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
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When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I told my vodka about you.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*