I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Don’t touch that.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?