Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
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Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.