Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
You Might Also Like
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
the simulation is moving too fast
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.