TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
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A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”