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[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I’m not wrong
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
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Me: Same.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things