The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
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Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic